February 11, 2002
Monday

Yet another morning that seemed to arrive all too early. It is at these times that I wonder just what the heck I am doing to myself, staying out all hours of the night. Yea, I know, Waa.

I needed to take my car in to get checked, but I just could not get a move on until somewhere around 1:00. Kimberly and I chatted for a bit, and I just did a little bit of nothing, writing in here and piddling my time away. Kim talked about her time spent with Dean yesterday, and I talked about my day with Gary. Girls talking about boys, we did it in high school, now here we are doing it today.

I got on the road to go to the car shop Gary told me would be a good one. I really didn't want to do the eeny meeny miny mo in picking out a shop, it is so much better to take it to a referred place.

They had to put it on the diagnostic machine and since it was in the afternoon, they figured they would not get to it until the morning, so a driver drove me home to Kim's house.

We had 5 kids in the house shortly after I got home. 3 of hers and 2 that she watches in the afternoons.

It was loud.

I haven't been around that many kids in a very long time. I admire Kimberly for her patience level. I think you kinda lose a little of it when your kids get a little older, you forget the intensity.

In the afternoon, the car shop called to say it was the spark plug wires, along with the distributor cap and something else. With diagnostics, it comes to around 300. I hate spending money on car problems...but at least this time it is not 1000.

That evening, Kimberly left to go to a writers group meeting, and the kids went to their dad's. Alan had called and said there was a big party going on later that evening. I kinda wanted to go, but I didn't want to walk in there alone. J-Me, Guy and Vi were not going, Alan wasn't sure when he was, Eden wasn't sure when she was going either, so in the end I just stayed home. I hate being stranded with no car.

I called and talked to Gary, and afterwards I fell asleep. 9:00 at night and I was out like a light. It was probably a good thing that I didn't go to the party, I really needed to get some sleep.

February 12, 2002
Tuesday

I was so tired last night, I slept almost 12 hours. I really did not need to go to that party, things always work out as they should.

The car was ready late morning, Kimberly drove me there. It was hard saying goodbye to Kim, we had such a good time this last week.

It is amazing, with friends that go back that far. We have not spent much time together in the last 15 years, but it was like we have lived in the same town for all this time. Immediately, there is comfort there. We know each other like we know ourselves, we have no secrets from one another, and we love each other unconditionally. I know her faults, she knows mine, and we overlook them for the strengths.

I am going to miss my Kimberly.

~~~

After she dropped me off, and I got my now fixed car back, I saw J-Me and Guy to give them the key to the new lock that I bought...long story, but boring, so I won't go there. Not that it ever stopped me before, but it will this time. :)

Then I went to lunch with Gary. I was glad I had the chance to visit with him one last time. We discussed the fact that we are many miles away from each other, and we said we would keep in touch, but he does not have e-mail. I know how bad I am at regular letters, I hope I can do this without disappointing him.

A friend told me (in jest) that I was leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me. I was supposed to take it as a *laugh-laugh* joke, but instead it kind of jarred me a little. I am totally honest and up front with anyone I get to know. I know that often people say, yea, sure I want that too, and then end up falling harder than they expect to, or just say that to go forth with the relationship...whatever. But, I try hard to NOT hurt anyone. I don't like the feeling of their emotions being tied up in my actions.

I like to think that everyone who I am friends with know the rules, but is it fair of me to place rules upon a relationship? Can there be rules placed on emotions? Is it fair of me to tell someone that they had better not fall for me, that I am only representing fun for the moment, and actually expect them to understand that?

I have lived with myself long enough to know that at this point in my life, anybody looking for more than someone who will just drift in and out of their life should not settle in on me, wanting me for more than what I know I can give to them. I know, in the past, that I have even convinced myself that for this or that particular person I would change, I would settle down and become what they need from a partner.

I always end up failing them, causing heartbreak, letting them down, not living up to their expectations. What more can I do with my friends, but explain to them how I am, and let them make their own decisions based on the truth as I know it? If they somehow get in deeper with their emotions, and their feelings get hurt, then I don't know, is it really my doing?

I don't want to hurt anyone. When I know someone is feeling pain because of what I cannot provide to them, it wears me down inside. I also know, however, that it is due to expectations they had placed upon our relationship. Expectations are what always gets us in trouble.

Since I try to not place expectations on that person, it has been told to me that I am easy to be around. I don't require much, just honesty and respect. I accept each person for who they are and love them for it. I desire nothing more than to connect with them at that moment and rise to a higher level of spiritual awareness, combining energies with them through love and sharing.

To me, this is very rewarding, and rich, almost a drug of sorts. For myself as well as the other person.

What they fail to understand, is that I have wild spirit. The mistake is thinking it will remain wild and intense in captivity. When I have allowed myself to become corralled, to be captured by a man who is convinced he will provide to me all that I desire, convinced that he will keep me happy, I become a conquered entity. My wild spirit wastes away, seeking solitude and peace in deep crevices within my soul, falling into a deep sleep. My inner being becomes a shell of it's former self, waiting for that day that it can once more soar freely through the open skies.

I do believe my passion for the wide open skies, along with the intense colors brought upon by the desert sunsets this last month is rather symbolic of my new found freedom. This vast wide openness, clouds moving in and out of view, floating whichever way the winds move them, it is how I feel inside. Like the bird, moving in the direction of the wind, wild and free.

Capture me, put me in a cage, and I will survive, but as a mere shell of the wild spirit. If I were to mate up with a man in a long term manner, it would have to be with one with a spirit like mine. One who I could explore all that life has to offer, drifting together as one.

If that person never enters my life, to walk beside me on this path that I chose, then so be it. I am not seeking it. Yes, it would be beautiful to find that soulmate in this lifetime, yet I have accepted my life as it is.

I am not a loner, far from it, I allow others in my life, openly sharing my moments with them. I do give myself freely, yet I am protecting myself from captivity.

I want to run free, breathe in the fire, love with all my heart, live my life with raw passion, sharing my love with those I connect with...I only ask that those who love me do not try to cage me.

Love me with your heart, then gently toss me back into the wind. I will be back if I know I am free to leave without feelings of guilt.

I am a drifter, there is no way around that for me...it is deep within my soul.

February 13, 2002
Wednesday

Last night when I got to Quartzsite, Don was not there. I figured he was in Parker and that I would wait for him, but by midnight, I knew he was not coming back. He had my only key into the trailer.

I thought I might just go and pick that lock. Turns out I am not very good at picking locks. In fact, I didn't even come close to getting it. I tried credit cards, tweezers, other keys, all the components of a mock swiss army knife thing, and I finally gave up.

I then thought I would just make a level platform in the seats of my car, building it up to the level of the console so I could lay across it. I did that, with my clothes bag, cosmetic bag, coats, cd cases, etc. Once I got fairly comfy, I remembered Don saying he couldn't lock the door on his camper. I deliberated on putting my shoes back on, getting out of the car and seeing if in fact, the door was not locked. Well, after laying there for about 20 minutes, I decided to do just that. And...yes, it was unlocked, and there was his bed, ready to jump in and get horizontal. Yay. I did have to manouver over all the petrified wood stumps that were all over the floor and move two down from the bed, but hey, it was a bed!

This morning I saw Ed, and he explained to me that Don was in California, dropping off some rock for him up near Sacramento, and that he should be back any minute.

I freshened up a bit and went out for breakfast. Upon coming back, Dean and Blue, the friends I made before I left (the twins from Arkansas) were up and moving around. I was glad to see them still here, I was hoping they would be.

I hung out with them for the better part of the day. I was glad to get to know them a little better, I didn't have enough time to talk to them before I left. Actually, they are true gypsies, I don't think they call anyplace home except for where they happen to be at the moment.

We had a great time visiting, there is something so easy about them, I can't quite put words to it, but I feel comfortable in their company. I really could have stayed there with them for a while, but I really needed to get going.

Don showed up around 2 or so. By that time, I knew I wouldn't be leaving Quartzsite until the next day, so I wasn't stressed on it, I just knew I had to get home by Friday afternoon.

But, Don was stressed. He thought my show lasted until the 16th, he had called and asked the show. Apparently he didn't know what show I was in, but it really didn't matter, I was just glad to see him, and that he was ok. I was a little worried that he was late getting back.

He had eaten some bad food and had food poisoning, so his trip took longer than he expected, he kept pulling over to sleep, it was hard for him to even drive.

I gave him some time to relax from the road, and he said he needed to clean up the trailer (he is so neat, I don't imagine it was too dirty...just in his eyes) and hung out a little longer with the guys.

When Don came back, he had calmed down a bit, and now his energy was lighter. I went over to the trailer with him. I was feeling sick by then, it seemed coming back to Quartzsite kicked up the congestion I had when I left. It had gotten better in Tucson, but not completely, now I was coughing again, and I was getting feverish.

I talked Don into going out to dinner, of which I could not eat much of, and then home, where I immediately laid down, shivering. I also talked him into staying with me for a while. He knew my trailer was more comfortable, and warmer, I really wanted him there. I didn't have a thermometer, but I imagine I had a fever of around 103 or so. I was cold, wanting covers, but my skin was burning. Then I would get hot and kick off all the covers.

Just having him there with me was comforting, he is such a great friend. He sat there with me while I was dozing, and he watched tv. I really love him. I am glad he was there, it just confirmed to me how special he is to my heart.

February 14, 2002
Thursday

This morning, when I woke up, I felt a ton better. I finally got up to take a shower. I just used the one at the gardens, I really didn't feel like driving to the other one.

After, I stopped and spoke with Dean and Blue. I had to explain to them that I didn't stop back by last night because I had gotten so sick, (I had told them I might). You know, I am going to miss them too. Somehow out here, connections run deep. It must be the desert. Well, that's not fair, I think if I had met them anywhere but the desert, and had the chance to stop and visit, getting to know them, I would have connected regardless. Like I said earlier, there is something within them that is so genuine.

I like how out here, you meet people who are from all over the country. Even some who are from other countries. You know there is a good chance you will not see them until next year at this time, if then, but you wish deep down that were not true. I would love to see alot of these people I connected with before then.

Don and I went out for breakfast, (after he drew a heart in the sand for a Valentine's) then began working on getting things packed up. I told him he didn't need to help me, but he insisted, he is such a sweetheart. In fact, he didn't only help, he did alot of it. I tried to avoid that, but he really wanted to. We worked on different things.

I talked him into driving out to the desert to watch the sunset one last time. It wasn't very colorful, I was a tiny bit disappointed, but the desert is so beautiful.

After we got back, we hitched up the trailer, I went over to say goodbye to Dean and Blue. They were out there partying, I just followed the music. :) It was sad, just like all the other goodbyes.

I stood there talking for a bit, hesitating, but I really had to go. Then I did the same thing with Don. I really hated saying goodbye. We gave big hugs, lots of "be careful's" and all. Don and I will be seeing each other before next year though, we have promised. Also, we want to go backpacking together, I want to go on a dig. I think it will be so cool.

He insisted on driving behind me until the first exit to make sure the trailer was pulling ok...which he did, flashed his lights a couple times, exited and I was on my way.

I made it through LA and over the Tejon Pass. I didn't get to sleep until around midnight, but I slept in my trailer at a rest stop, between two big ol' semi's who kept their engine running all night, or so it seemed. It actually lulled me to sleep. Like a baby.

February 15, 2002
Friday

On the road early, it was a tough drive for me. Tough in many ways, I was tired and still not feeling well. I also was saddened that the Quartzsite trip was over. However, I was excited about seeing my family, it really had been such a long, long time. The girls were anxious for my return, as well as my mom. If it weren't for them...I'd be heading off to some other strange place, or still hanging out in the desert somewhere.

As I got back to the Sacramento area, the traffic was starting already, at 2 in the afternoon...THIS is what I did not miss.

It all went smooth though, unloading the stuff into our new garage/storage unit here at the apartments, then the food and clothes in the house. I took the trailer to the RV storage place, even backing it in and unhitching it myself. I was pretty dang proud if I don't say so myself. I know, I know...it's called gloating...but oh well.

As soon as I got done, I received a call from the girls saying they wanted to be picked up early. It was perfect.

And, it was so, so wonderful to see them. I pulled up and was putting the back seat up when I felt a pair of arms around my waist from behind. Monica, she is so exuberant, it was her. Big hugs and lots of hellos from the both of them. Jessica, she actually looks like she got taller. It wouldn't surprise me, she is getting so big so fast.

Non-stop chattering all the way home, them telling me what all happened while I was gone, both of them wanting my attention every second. It was sweet.

We have a 3-day weekend, no Sunday School, no soccer, no school on Monday. Cool.

The end of the trip, coming home to family. Perfect.

• BEAD HOME •
• QUARTZSITE 2001 •